When I was pregnant with my (now 8-month-old) daughter Amanda, my husband and I liked to ask more experienced parents – “What is one thing you swore you would never do when you became parents that you totally ended up doing?” Answers ranged, as you might imagine, from co-sleeping, to formula feeding, to plopping a kid in front of the TV. Parental reality has a way of setting in and crushing even our loftiest of expectations, as we ourselves discovered all too quickly. Take our experience, for example:
I had been looking forward to a home birth for years before ever becoming pregnant… until complications in labour sent us rushing down to Mt. Sinai hospital.
I was determined that I would exclusively breastfeed for the first six months … until my body didn’t cooperate and my midwife told me I would need to supplement the baby with formula, at least for a little while.
I figured I would be a good crunchy mamma using environmentally friendly cloth diapers … except my kid broke out in horrible rashes no matter what we did until we switched over to disposables.
I was adamant that only the worst kind of person let a baby cry themselves to sleep … until I had a child who WOULD NOT sleep until, out of desperation, we turned to the infamous Dr. Ferber.
I was going to avoid any pre-packaged baby foods … but sometimes when you’re traveling it is just the most realistic option (and, well, we’re all about honesty here: prune-based baby food can be a lifesaver for an infant’s gastro-intestinal comfort).
As parents today, it seems that we are held (and consequently hold ourselves) to ridiculous standards of perfection. This is unhealthy in our own lives, as we judge ourselves and find our confidence to nurture our children undermined every time we fail to meet the arbitrary standards set for us. It also, however, impacts our relationships with one another. There is so much riding on every decision we make—from how we feed our children to how we discipline them—that it’s no wonder we find ourselves judging one another. If my friend put her baby on a rigid nap schedule, am I a bad mother for having a more laid back attitude? Am I going to ruin my kids because I let them eat gluten? We have become conditioned to second-guess ourselves at every turn. Is it any wonder that we hold our own parenting decisions with defensiveness, rather than confidence?
It is unfortunate enough that modern parenting across the board fosters a culture of perfectionism that leads to judgmental divisions. But it is particularly troubling in the context of the church, where we can find ourselves under even greater pressure to present the image of the smiling, happy family. This despite the fact that we know, deep down, we are accepted and loved by God even when (especially when?) we are not perfect.
My hope for this new blog will be that we can share with one another honest experiences from the trenches of parenthood. A judgment-free place for addressing the challenges and joys of raising kids in general, and more specifically within the church in the context of a society that is not always conducive to matters of faith. We are, after all, in this thing together.