When Mother’s Day Hurts

This Sunday it is Mother’s Day in North America. How wonderful to have a day in which to intentionally honor our mothers. It is a time to thank them for their hard work, dedication, sacrifice and all round amazingness. We want to tell them what a difference they have made in our lives and let them know how thankful we are for their love. This is right and good.

Many churches and Sunday Schools recognize Mother’s Day and there are so some beautiful ways to honor the mothers in our congregations.

But

Today I want to talk about the women in your congregation, for whom mother’s day can be really painful? Women who are

• coping with the heartbreak of infertility
• grieving a miscarriage
• estranged from their children
• struggling with shame because they couldn’t care for their children and had to give them up
• caring for a terminally ill child
• grieving the loss of a mother

I must admit I hadn’t really thought about this, until I read a post on the blog Messy Middle 

It is an open letter to pastors in which a “non-mom” speaks about Mother’s Day. It is a powerful post that really caused me to stop and think. Here is an excerpt

“A few years ago I sat across from a woman who told me she doesn’t go to church on Mother’s Day because it is too hurtful.  I’m not a mother, but I had never seen the day as hurtful. She had been married, had numerous miscarriages, divorced and was beyond child-bearing years. It was like salt in mostly healed wounds to go to church on that day. This made me sad, but I understood.

Fast-forward several years to Mother’s Day.  A pastor asked all mothers to stand. On my immediate right, my mother stood and on my immediate left, a dear friend stood. I, a woman in her late 30s, sat. I don’t know how others saw me, but I felt dehumanized, gutted as a woman. Real women stood, empty shells sat. I do not normally feel this way. I do not like feeling this way. I want no woman to ever feel this way in church again.

Last year a friend from the States happened to visit on Mother’s Day and again the pastor (a different one) asked all mothers to stand. As a mother, she stood and I whispered to her, “I can’t take it, I’m standing.” She knows I’m not a mother yet she understood my standing / lie.”

You can read the full post here

The blogger who writes Messy Middle feels that we can honor all women on Mothers Day and she has some really good ideas for doing that. I would strongly recommend that you read her post. My purpose today is to raise the issue and start a conversation. As congregations I think we need to ask two important questions

How can we honour mothers without alienating those who struggle?

How can we help all women feel welcome, appreciated, seen, and needed?

I also want to remind you that there are children in your congregation who might find Mother’s Day very difficult. Children who are

• grieving the loss of a mother
• in foster care
• separated from their mothers as a result of divorce
• do not have a close or loving relationship with their mother
• abused or neglected by their mother

If you have planned to make Mother’s Day cards or gifts with the children this Sunday I would encourage you to be sensitive to those children who are struggling with this special day. I would suggest that you offer two activities, one for children who wish to make a card or gift for their mother and another for those who don’t. Be careful how you present the two options. Perhaps it would be better to present the second option as an activity for those who have already marked Mother’s Day and don’t need to make a gift at this time.

How does your congregation help all women feel welcome, appreciated, seen, and needed on Mother’s Day? Do you have anything special planned this Sunday? How do you look after the children that might find Mother’s Day difficult? Please join the conversation.